How Soon is Now
by lafantomette
Summary: "I'm tired of this ritual where you get naked in the middle of two dozen thumbtacks so I can't walk to you and have sex..."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So the other night, I made a meme with a photo of depressed-Harvey and it went like this "I'm tired of this ritual where you get naked in the middle of two dozen thumbtacks so I can't walk to you to have sex".**

 **I don't know what happened, it just ended up being a multi-chapters fic. Oops I did it again (said the girl who said a few months ago that she would NEVER write fanfics.)**

 **I hope you'll enjoy this one, if you do, please leave a few words of encouragement so I won't feel alone in my little Darvey-deprived World. xoxo**

* * *

(HIGH NOON –a few years ago-)

He smoked pot with Mike. He told him about the ritual.

He didn't tell Mike everything about the ritual.

Donna knew he liked baseball. Hitting a few thumbtacks with a can opener, that's funny.

That's also quite impossible.

"I can't believe that's what you and Donna do before trial!" Mike laughed, high as a kite, missing every damn thumbtack Harvey threw his way. "Yeah. That's what we've been doing for more than ten years…" Harvey trailed off, pensive, playing with the thumbtacks in his hands. Mike chuckled, dropping the can opener once more.

"But believe me, I'm better than you are Mike."

"How many?"

"My record was 3."

Mike laughed "Three? Harvey that's not…"

"I meant 15! Sorry. Stone. I hit 15." Harvey said looking visibly flustered.

"How many did she threw at you?"

"Three dozen. I clearly remember because this was on the day I was made partner."

"What did you win?"

He shrugged, rolling his eyes. "We don't win anything Mike, we're just doing this to let some steam off."

Mike looked at him half-convinced. "So this is it? You just play baseball with thumbtacks?"

"Yes! Don't make me regret telling you! Now could you please hit those thumbtacks?"

"You seem strangely agitated for a stone guy! I'm sure you aren't telling me everything… and I still don't understand the thumbtacks thing. Why thumbtacks?"

Harvey made an off-putting frown, exasperated. "That's our thing. We had thumbtacks available! We took them! There's nothing more to tell because there's nothing more to this!"

'

.

'

* * *

(REWIND: WHEN HE WAS MADE PARTNER)

The ritual really started as a fake baseball game.

But they soon realized how difficult it was to hit a thumbtack with a stupid can opener, so they added something fun, a little challenge, as an incentive.

The little bonus rule was that every time they would hit five thumbtacks, the pitcher would remove a piece of clothing (the first person grabbing the can opener got to choose to be pitcher or hitter). The magical number was three. For her: dress, bra, panties. For him: Shirt and t-shirt, pants, boxer-brief. So hitting fifteen thumbtacks was the requisite for them to get completely naked. But this was highly hypothetical: not once they hit fifteen thumbtacks. They never even made it to ten.

Most of the time, they only used two dozen thumbtacks and on their best day, she hit good enough to make him remove his shirt, and him make her remove her dress. Never more.

It usually ended with him and her fully clothed or wearing underwear, while trying to hit thumbtacks, laughing.

When they didn't have enough time, and it happened more often that they liked (of course three or five minutes before trial wasn't enough) they just played baseball with the sacred can opener and one or two dozen thumbtacks. They could even play in his office. Quick fun.

If they had at least fifteen minutes, then they had enough time for "the bonus". Harvey usually just growled at whoever was in the file room to get out, they closed the door and started the ritual.

He would always remember the day they celebrated him becoming partners at the firm. Or as he said, the day "WE just made partners."

He wanted to see Donna Paulsen gloriously naked on the day he was made partner. It wasn't too much to ask. Plus, she agreed for three dozen thumbtacks. That meant it was highly possible he could see her naked if he stayed cool enough to hit fifteen.

She had already slipped out of her cream-colored dress around the middle of the second dozen. He was on his A-Game.

That was until he realized how beautiful was the woman standing in front of him, clad only in lacy black lingerie.

She was playing with the thumbtacks in her hands, moving her hips to the song "Take me out to the ball game' that she was whistling through her rosy lips. Her hair was bouncing on her shoulders, brushing her beautiful lacy bra.

She wasn't helping. He wanted to see her naked so much. He remembered those freckles and how he licked the whipped cream off her. There's nothing wrong in enjoying looking at a beautiful naked woman, right? He totally had those thoughts earlier today about Zoe, too. There is nothing wrong with it. Even if this woman is you're friend. It's platonic. It's just for fun.

"I still have a dozen to hit," he said in a rush. The can opener almost fell out of his sweaty palms. He took a step back, stepping on a few thumbtacks with his bare feet.

"OUCH! FUCK!" He winced in pain, trying to keep his balance between the file shelves.

They weren't wearing shoes. It was part of the game. They always removed their shoes before playing. They made that stupid rules the first time they played, "I'm so irresistible," she had said in true Donna-style, "I feel safer that way: I know you won't walk barefoot on those thumbtacks to try to touch my ass."

She shook her head, smiling. "Harvey, you know you aren't allowed to move. Are you ready? I'm going to start the last dozen."

"Be prepared to wear your birthday suit, woman!"

She threw and he took a swing, holding the can opener as firmly as he could between his thumb and index, as the rule indicated.

He hit the thumbtack! Yes!

Next swing: near-miss.

Are grown men allowed to cry? He could. After all his father just died…

He tried to concentrate. "Stop looking at her, look at the thumbtack" he thought.

HIT!

…and then he hit another. He had already hit three. Only one miss so far, things were going great. He could do this.

He positioned himself like he's playing the major league, feet planted firmly on the ground. "Send it again Donna, I'm ready!"

HIT!

She flipped her hair and sighed loudly. He was sure she was trying to get him distracted on purpose. But he was focused on his goal.

She threw another one. He hit it! The thumbtack flied in front of her. He was all smile.

"You got lucky, Specter," she said arching her back to reached behind to unclasp her bra. She let the bra slipped slowly into her hand, then she twirled it over her head into his direction.

He caught it, the soft, lacy fabrics burning his fingers with a need for more, a need to touch her skin. "We aren't allowed to touch each other's clothes," he said, feeling his cheeks getting warmer.

"Consider this a gift," she replied softly. "Since it's a special day." Her tone betrayed that she was talking more about his dad's dying than his promotion.

She was shorter than him by just a few inches but she looked way more vulnerable and delicate without her expensive dress and high heels. Her flaming red hair was a contrast on her pale, white skin. He remembered how soft her skin was under his lips. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He wasn't even looking at her breast, he knew they were fabulous.

He was staring at her lips.

They were friends, but he assumed he couldn't be insensible to a beautiful woman who stood half-naked in front of him, right?

That yearning inside him for more, it didn't mean he wanted a relationship…or…?

His gaze finally rested on her breast.

She was beautiful. Every inch of her was as perfect as he remembered from that night he showed up at her apartment.

If he could just brush his thumb softly on her peaks, making them harden so he could teased them with his tongue like he did the other time. She really liked it. When he did this, she moaned his name while fisting his hair. It felt so good, hearing his name while she…

"Harvey?" She called him. "Are you ready? I can't blame you for staring but we can't hide in here forever! People will wonder!"

Suddenly, he snapped out of it, his heart sank. This game didn't seem right anymore. Too many mixed-feelings. He felt confused, sad.

Donna was his friend. That's what they settled for years ago at the dinner: friends. Maybe he was confused because his dad just died?

He wasn't one to back down from a challenge so he focused on the task, pushed aside the nascent feelings inside him and hit the next five thumbtacks thrown at him like he was batting for the World Series.

He also felt like she threw the thumbtacks at him like she wanted him to succeed.

Like she wanted to strip down for him on that special day.

"So, I did the impossible!" He said, smirking, trying to keep his cool. "Where's my prize?"

She bit her lip, looking away. "Turn around. I don't feel comfortable…"

"…says the woman who was throwing her bra at me two minutes ago?" he countered, trying to look unimpressed.

But the fact was, he was really impressed. His heart was beating out of his chest from anticipation.

She turned around to face the wall, one hand on the file shelves, slowly peeling off her lace panties. He spotted the freckles on her back, all the way down to her waist and her…

Donna turned to face him. She was covering her nude body with her hands, but she slowly let her hands rest on her waist. He recalled that Boticelli painting he studied in College, "The Birth of Venus", where Venus emerged from the sea to arouse men physically then allowing their minds to better understand spiritual beauty.

Donna looked like a goddess.

He felt a flush creeping over his face as he contemplated her fully, absolutely bewitching in all her nakedness, for only a few seconds. He then quickly turned around, confused and overwhelmed, and got on his knees to pick up the thumbtacks on the ground.

"Thanks that was fun," he said hastily.

For the sake of their friendship, he would never hit more than five thumbtacks ever again.

'

.

'

* * *

(PRESENT TIME)

He realized there was nothing appealing about a tired middle-aged man, slumped on a bar, whatever the price of the scotch in his glass was.

Since Donna left, his life just kept getting more and more empty every day.

He had resigned from the firm, to save Jessica.

Mike got arrested for Conspiracy to commit fraud. He bailed him out, but was still unsure how he would be able to get him out of this mess.

Earlier today, he canceled his appointment with Doctor Agard. He didn't feel like talking about his feelings right now. He tried to build walls like he used to.

He figured that if he could fuck some random woman he met in a bar and send her home, maybe he would fell less empty.

(to be continued...)


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: To those of you who are familiar with The Smiths' Masterpiece "How Soon is Now" you probably had an idea where this was going. So here it is. As I'm known for my extreme fluffiness and cuteness, that chapter made me nauseous a bit. It's quite angsty but necessary in this fic. I'd like to say 'enjoy' but I'm not sure it is appropriate here…lol.**

 **Okay so just stick with me guys, and please leave reviews. Fantomette xoxo**

* * *

 **Chapter 2:**

A giggling blonde sat beside him. She was clad in a cheap red dress, the kind you buy half-priced at malls just after prom. Her hair was slicked into a ponytail, and bounced while she laughed for nothing. She looked near thirty years old so that was a good thing, as he had seen some women around here who barely looked twenty-one. She looked as drunk as he was, barely able to keep her balance on the bar stool. He caught her elbow, helping her sit straighter. Her answer was to giggle some more and gave him the once-over.

"Fuck. You're handsome." She blurted out.

He sat straighter. She was beautiful enough, like all the other random women he had slept with in the last decade. Somehow, the compliment he tried to return got stuck in his throat: she didn't look half as beautiful as the woman who worked on the other side of the glass walls of his office for twelve years.

"You want a drink?" he asked. "Please, give a Sangria to the beautiful lady, extra cherry," he motioned to the bartender, handing him a ten.

The blonde grabbed his shoulder, mouth agape. "OOO. !" she screamed. "How did you know this was my favorite drink?" She started to giggle. Again.

Harvey rolled his eyes. He had thought he was drunk enough for this, but clearly he wasn't. He asked for another Scotch.

"That's what I do. Not only I'm a lawyer, but I read people," he said.

"So you are part-time psychic! Do you read palms too?" she asked cheerfully.

This was going to be harder than he thought. He tried to remind himself that intelligence wasn't a prerequisite to fuck adequately.

He downed the glass of Macallan. His head was spinning. He grabbed her hand, and softly traced the lines in her palm with his index. "Hmm… let me see. I can see you will meet a tall, dark stranger…"

She giggled. He had to get used to it. She will probably giggle like an idiot when she will reach orgasm. She will not moan his name softly like Donna did twelve years ago.

He ordered another Macallan. He took a mouthful of the amber liquid while she was sucking on a cherry, batting her eyelashes at him. She was probably trying to look sexy but she didn't. Even if he was drunk, he knew he probably looked that pathetic when he was reading her palm earlier. Two pathetic lonely soul, probably trying to find some temporary bliss in their fucked up existence.

He let his hand travel on the blonde's leg, fingers caressing lightly under the hem of her dress. At least, her skin was soft. Her hand was on his crotch, fingertips massaging his manhood. He didn't even noticed it until now. He was surprised that his body wasn't even reacting to her touch. She could have stroke his knee and obtain the same reaction.

He suddenly had a sinking feeling, remembering thumbtacks, a can opener, and Donna getting undressed a few feet away from him. They never touched, not once, but he had to think about dead puppies to fight an erection. That's fucked up, he thought. Now some woman was touching him and he was feeling dead inside. Before Donna left him, she yelled that he was capable at looking at her that way, like it was some big news. She had no idea how he looked at her. No idea.

The woman's breath tickled his ear, bringing him out of his reverie. How did she get so close?

"You want to read my body in a bathroom stall, Mister Psychic?" she murmured in his ear.

"Excuse me?" It couldn't be THAT easy.

"You want to fuck me?" she asked, more decisively, her hand squeezing his crotch.

He got up. He was feeling a bit nauseous, too much Scotch. The blonde woman held his hand, dragging him towards the bathroom. Too drunk, he didn't even registered they were lucky enough to have individual bathroom. Everything was blurry, she locked the door, pushed him against the sink and started kissing him. Her tongue tasted like maraschino cherry, it made him even more nauseous. Maybe if he could get this over with quickly, that would be enough to fill the emptiness he was feeling inside? He grabbed her ass, she giggled. He tried to shut her up by kissing her more fully but she pushed him a little. "What's your name, tall, dark stranger?"

"Reggie."

He was probably the biggest asshole in this bar: he wasn't even interested in knowing her name. He wanted her nameless.

He also realized that he didn't want her to call him 'Harvey' while having sex.

He wanted Donna to call his name while he made love to her.

He was in love with Donna Paulsen.

He had canceled his appointment with Paula Agard because in their last session, she had asked him:

"By building these walls, by never making yourself emotionally available, do you realize what you've been missing, Harvey? You could have known true love."

He had gotten up, had grabbed his coat and had yelled at Paula. "Donna left! She chose to leave me!"

Doctor Agard had just smiled and had said: "…you just admitted Donna is and always was who you love, Harvey. I didn't mentioned her. You did."

"Hey Reggie. Don't let me do all the work here!" The woman giggled again. His name was Reggie, right. His hands were sloppily roaming her body. Meanwhile, blonde chick had unzipped his pants, sneaked her hand into his boxer. He had to at least try. Donna was gone. When he had her, he didn't even had her in this particular way, maybe that's what messed up his mind so much?

Even if he knew he probably went about things the wrong way, he wanted to fuck this woman for his sanity. Lately, he's been dreaming a lot. About Donna. What started years ago as a few dirty sex dreams was now on another level. This morning he had woken up to the sound of Donna's voice saying "You know I love you too, Harvey" and the image that stuck in his mind was one of their naked bodies tangled in the sheets, cuddling lovingly. He had woken up alone in his cold, empty bed and he had never felt this desperate in his whole life. It made him sick.

So if only he could fuck someone, maybe the dreams would stop? He could build some walls up again and stop hurting inside?

"What do you like?" He asked in a raspy voice. He had unzipped her dress. He didn't even looked at her body once, he was too drunk to focus and he preferred closing his eyes. There was nothing he wanted to see or remember from that evening.

"Are you going to get an erection eventually or…?" She giggled. He wanted to puke. How could a woman you are about to fuck could giggle about this particular topic?

She added. "Would it help if I gave you a blow-job?" She giggled again. Poor woman didn't realized that was the biggest turnoff ever.

His phone vibrated against his thigh, near the woman's hand. It made the woman giggled again and he rolled his eyes. He yanked it out of his pocket, putting it near the sink.

He tried to unclasp her bra. He was so drunk. He couldn't unhook the damn thing. The fabric felt extremely cheap against his fingertips. She was wearing lace but the bra stung his fingers. When he was made partner, Donna was wearing black lace, the fabric was so soft…

His phone vibrated again, the screen lighted up. He didn't look, probably Gretchen adding something to his agenda. Or Mike freaking out about the upcoming trial.

"Turn around, I'm too drunk to unhook your bra," he admitted. Giggle-girl turned around, he finally got rid of her bra. He started massaging her breasts and kissing her neck, closing his eyes. She was giggling while one of her hand was threading his hair. He hated it. If only he could get this over with. Maybe if he felt more skin he would be turned on? With one hand, he removed the wallet from his back pocket before he pushed his pants down until they pooled at his feet, keeping only his boxers on. He put the wallet beside his phone near the sink, opening it while he was still kissing the woman's shoulders. He found the condom in his wallet and placed it on the phone.

The phone vibrated once more, he took the condom in his hand and his thumb grazed across the screen of his phone. He was curious. The text messages appeared:

1/*Harvey we need to talk. –Donna*

2/* Mike's trial is coming soon…-Donna.*

3/*I have the can opener. –Donna*

Just reading Donna's name gave him a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Hmmm. Do you feel kinky or you want me to turn around?" asked the blond woman who still had had her back pressed to his stomach.

It felt like a cold-shower. Or like hitting a wall. He was standing in a dirty bathroom stall, trying to fuck some woman he didn't even want to fuck, while he could barely get an erection. Because he wanted a particular redhead with every fiber of his being.

He grabbed the woman's shoulders turning her rather abruptly. He was drunker than he thought and feeling awful. "This isn't going to work."

She was now facing him, and she cupped his face in her hands. "Reggie. If being in this bathroom is turning you off, we could crash at my place…"

His phone vibrated again on the counter. He shot a side-glance at the screen and read:

*U there? We could do this soon. Or now.-Donna*

"Are you married? Is that your wife calling you?" The woman laughed nervously. She was still the most annoying woman he had ever met.

He shook his head and swallowed thickly. "I'm really not married, totally single. That was just work calling…"

She opened her mouth, she was probably going to ask him for some sexual favor that would increase his nausea. He stopped her before she talked. "Sorry. I suffer from anxiety, I'm taking meds and I drank too much. I'm not going to get an erection tonight. It's still early, you still have time to find someone who will appreciate you way more than I can right now."

He zipped her up. She looked confused.

"So you are saying…I mean…c'mon." Giggle-chick was drunk and trying to process what just happened. "You looked so lonely at the bar earlier. And you are telling me you're gonna leave on your own, go home and feel lonely again? We could go back to my place and…cuddle."

He felt a wave of nausea coming. He lurched forward and vomited into the sink, shutting his eyes as he made the water run.

He didn't even turned around. He begged. "Please. Just go."

He heard the door clicked behind him and he reached for the handle, locking it.

The water was still running. For the first time in more than a decade he felt tears running down his cheeks and falling into in the sink.

He grabbed his phone and reluctantly called Ray.

Then, he texted Donna:

*How soon is now?-Harvey*


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Sorry if i was lazy with the updates guys! Here's the 3rd Chapter. I know it is a short one but the next chapter will be online in a week ok.

NOTE: M rating for this chapter (maybe...?). Nothing kinky, just a scene that is a tiny bit graphic.

* * *

When he felt Ray grabbed his arm and gently directing him towards the car, he made a mental note that he should definitely give the man a raise soon. Slumped in the back seat, he was shivering, still cold from sitting on the sidewalk for fifteen minutes. He must have forgotten his coat somewhere inside the bar, he'd have to buy a new one. Ray stopped at a red light and it made Harvey nauseous. He closed his eyes, fighting the urge to vomit but also fighting back tears. That night, something snapped in him. Like he needed to really hit rock bottom to finally realize that he couldn't go on living without her. Why did she leave him when she promised she would never do such a thing? Was it because she wanted him to come to this specific conclusion?

"Boss? Here's a paper bag…Rough night?" Ray's voice brought him back to reality. Harvey grabbed the paper bag, placing it on his knees.

"Ray, I don't think I'll be sick…" His voice was weak. "Please… Donna's place?"

Harvey heard his driver groaned.

"…I don't think this is such a good idea."

"Since when I'm paying you to have ideas?" snapped Harvey. He regretted it right away. Why was he such a jerk? He took a few breaths and added. "I'm sorry Ray. I'm not…great these days…"

Ray laughed. "I can't drive you to Donna's apartment… Because you have lipstick all over your face and vomit on your shirt, boss."

"Fuck…" mouthed Harvey, pushing his fists into his eyes, trying hard not to cry again.

"…I don't think tonight is the best night to confess your love to Donna. I'll drive you home."

Harvey's eyes snapped opened. "Wait. My.. What now?"

"She's so beautiful…I can't believe you've waited that long..."

'

* * *

'

It felt real. She was on top of him and he was holding on to her waist while she moved her whole body against him, sending shivers down his spine. Her nails were scratching his tights and he knew he wouldn't be able to keep it together much longer. His eyes were opened the whole time, while hers were closed. He didn't want to miss a thing. The way she bit her lip as she tried to suppress her moans, the small droplets of sweat forming on her forehead as she was getting closer to orgasm. Everything about her was perfect and he breathily whispered 'you know I love you'. She opened her eyes, grabbing his neck as she moaned his name before her mouth crashed on his jaw as he felt her come, her inner walls clasping around his dick.

He woke up in sweats just before reaching his own climax, alone, feeling cold and missing her so much he wished he could get back to sleep to feel her some more, to tell her how much he had missed her all these years. He had a pounding headache.

How could he be a man way into his forties, hungover, with a massive headache, but still had wet dreams about this woman? He felt ashamed, confused and for a fraction of second he even considered jumping off the balcony to end the pain. It never happened to him before and it was against everything he always believed in, and he felt acid burning up his throat. He knew he wouldn't do it, but the fact that for a millisecond it crossed his mind, pained him. He used to say that if your back is backed against a wall, just break the goddamn thing down. That was until Donna was the one who pushed him against the wall. He hated how he had changed lately, like he had reached his limits and couldn't keep on denying… He spent fifteen minutes under a warm shower, thinking about what his next move should be. He was glad Ray stopped him from going at Donna's last night.

Wrapping a towel around himself, he thought that maybe it would be a good idea to schedule a session with Doctor Agard. He knew that would mean talking about Donna. Specifically. Maybe Paula won't even accept to see him again as he had left their last session yelling…

But his most urgent problem right now is that he needed to see Donna. He wondered how that would go, now that he had come into full realization that he was utterly in love with her. Being friends was plausible back when he ignored his feelings or couldn't quite pinpoint what those feelings were, but now he couldn't 'just be friends'. But she deserved so much more than HIM.

He was like a drug addict who just couldn't stay away.

'

* * *

'

"What the hell are you doing here?" her voice was sharp and stung his soul. He dug his hands out of the pockets of his dark gray winter coat, making a movement to touch her arms, but then he let his arms fell to his sides, remembering how they never touch. How it was against 'the rules' they had set up years ago. Her hair was up into a bun, she was wearing one of those infinite scarf he always thought were ridiculous but she looked warm and cozy and he would have given anything to rest his face against this scarf to inhale her perfume. Under her long black quilted down coat, she was wearing purple leggings and winter boots that looked like something out from a L.L. Beans' catalog. No designer dress, no high heels shoes. She was shorter than him by a few inches and that's how he remembered she was just the perfect height to kiss his neck. She was perfect in every ways. He was staring at her and couldn't utter a word so he just offered her a weak apologetic smile.

"What. THE. HELL HARVEY!" She yelled at him, furious. "You texted me you were coming over last night and you never showed up!" One of her hands was on her waist while the other was clenching her yoga mat. She looked so mad. He swallowed a lump in his throat. He could give her some bullshit excuse, or he could tell her the truth. The truth would be a nice start.

"Listen, Donna. I was…out. I was drunk. I got sick. Ray drove me home. ALONE. I slept. I'm here to…"

"You could have called! You could have texted me back!" she snapped back at him, not letting him finished.

"I'm pretty sure I didn't text you I was coming over," he said.

She let her mouth hung opened. "Harvey! You texted 'How soon is now', I was sure you were coming over!"

"You wanted me to come over?" he asked weakly.

She was now closer to him, the cold air making her blow little clouds into his face as she exhaled sharply. He tilted his head, silently begging her to give him a break.

"I'm seeing a therapist," he blurted out, exasperated.

"I know! But tell me how does this allow you to be disrespectful to me?!" She sounded less mad. She sounded sad. "I ended up calling Mike and Rachel. We did the ritual without you."

"WHAT!?" He almost screamed.

"Oh Harvey! Mike told me he already knew! And clearly, he and Rachel needed something to hold on to…"

He shook his head, feeling like an idiot again. She expected him, and he didn't show up, deceiving her yet again. He knew now it was time to stop running away from his feelings.

" Donna, I thought we could go out for coffees." His heart was beating out of his chest. "We need to talk."

She raised an eyebrow. "Talk? You never want to talk, Harvey."

He smiled and reached for her elbow, his hand brushing her arm lightly. "Donna, I'm serious…"

She laughed nervously looking around her. He saw her narrowing her gaze on a few women who looked like they were waiting for her. They probably saw everything. He wondered if those girls knew they had slept together. Maybe Donna had told them he was just her jerk/boss?

He saw Donna make a "call me" hand gesture to her friends and she turned towards him. "Okay. Let's grab a coffee… "


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I'm back! Just wanted to make sure I got chapter 5 almost ready before posting this one. I hope you'll like this update. Your comments and reviews are my 'emotional' paychecks so please leave a message. Enjoy! xoxo Fantomette**

* * *

 **Chapter 4:**

He wasn't ready.

He should have called Doctor Agard to talk about his feelings and such shit BEFORE he saw Donna. His hands were shaking as he brought her coffee. He had ordered one for her at the counter as she settled at a table of this cute, little coffee shop. He ordered her coffee just the way she liked it and he was proud that he remembered. She had removed her coat and was wearing a loose, pink sweater over a spandex yoga top. The sweater was hanging off one of her shoulder, leaving her long neck exposed. He caught his feet in the chair, his mind clearly focused on the redhead's skin, and he spilled coffee on one of his hand. "FUCK!" He whined, making a few heads turned around them. He placed the cups on the table and sat in the chair next to her.

"Are you okay?" Donna asked with concern. "Your hand is red, let me see…" He didn't have time to protest she grabbed his wrist, gently taking his hand in hers. Her thumb gently brushed his knuckles and as much as it hurt, he resisted the urge to take the cup and spill it all over his shirt so that he could feel her hands on him... He smiled at how desperate he was for her touch, and he pulled his hand out of her grasp.

"I'm okay," he mumbled.

"You are weird today. What happened last night? You are…" She narrowed her gaze at him. "Different."

He smiled at her and reflected on what he COULD NOT say: _'Oh yeah, if I look so different maybe it is because I tried to have sex with a random woman last night and couldn't even get a hard-on because I'm miserable without you. I want to have sex with you right now if you don't mind.'_ His fingers had somehow managed to break the sleeve of his coffee cup.

"Harvey?" Donna asked with a quizzical look. "God, this is annoying Harvey. We've been sitting here for the past five minutes and you've just been smiling and haven't said a word!"

He took a sip of coffee and placed the cup in front of him. He took a deep breath and started nervously:

"Donna. I'm sorry for last night. I'm…" He paused and closed his eyes. "I need time."

"What do you mean by 'time'?"

He felt drops of sweats behind his neck and hoped he wouldn't have a panic attack. He wanted to back off, build walls again but he remembered how Doctor Agard blamed him for never making himself emotionally available. If he wanted any kind of relationship with Donna, he had to open up, at least a little.

He steadied his hands by setting them under the table. He felt how sweaty his palms were on his legs.

"I need time to…adapt to you…" He searched for words. "To you not being THERE."

"So you are saying we can't be friends. Is that what you're saying Harvey?" her tone was accusatory.

He jumped. "No. That's not what I said! Donna, listen…"

She took a large gulp of coffee not even looking at him, she got up and took her coat off the chair. The woman was impossible! He got up and took a step around the table, towards her. "Why every time I try to talk to you, you never let me finish! You know it isn't easy for me! Donna! Please!"

She now had her coat on, zipped it up. She grabbed her handbag and yoga mat.

Suddenly it hit him.

"You are as scared as I am…" he shook his head while he talked in a low voice. "You always made it seem like it was all my fault but you are as scared as I am."

"What?" She laughed out loud. "What the hell are you talking about? We both know we needed a change. I'm not scared of anything, I'm the one who left. I wanted better work conditions."

"Really Donna? REALLY?" He said brusquely. The woman was slowly driving him insane.

"Thanks for the coffee," she said harshly while she walked away as he stood there. Donna walking away, yet another time. His heart was racing and he felt his throat closing but he decided right there that he wouldn't have a panic attack. He grabbed his coat, walked quickly out of the coffee shop and started running as soon as his feet hit the sidewalk. He turned the corner and spotted her fiery red hair from a distance. Harvey crossed the last quarter mile to reach her, grabbed her by the arm so that she would turn around to face him and his hands cupped her face, her red-rimmed eyes warning him but she also angled her head slightly and opened her mouth like it was all she had expected from this day. He leaned forward as their lips met. He was surprised at how slow and warm the kiss was. He expected them to kiss like they had fought a few minutes ago but there was no anger in that kiss, just sweet surrender. She had dropped her yoga mat and he felt her fingertips pressing behind his head, begging for him to get even closer. He parted his lips and her tongue slipped in his mouth. She tasted like her favorite whipped cream coffee and he wanted to take her home. He wanted to ask her to never leave him again, he gently pulled out from the kiss and opened his eyes and saw it: the confused look on her face, almost simultaneously followed by her palm slapping him hard across his cheek.

"What the hell Donna!" His hand rubbed his cheek as he winced in pain.

"You can't kiss me after twelve years and expect that this would fix everything," she yelled at him. Tears started streaming down her face and she turned on her feet, grabbed her yoga mat and crossed the street without looking back.

Once again he stood speechless as he watched her leave. He'd never been more confused in his entire life.

Harvey dragged his feet to the little coffee shop, heading directly to the bathroom where he vomited all his stress and anxiousness of the day.

'

* * *

'

"I'm surprised you decided to book an appointment, Harvey," said Paula Agard as she motioned him to sit on the couch in front of her.

He sat on the couch, not removing his winter coat. He's been feeling cold since Donna had left him alone on the sidewalk.

He couldn't even looked at Paula. He took a deep breath and started, looking at his hands balled into fists on his legs.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you and left the session the other day. You poked where it hurt."

Doctor Agard didn't reply. She just had a discreet smile and a look that implied 'go on'.

"I'm…" Harvey stopped. He was about to say he was in love with Donna, but he wasn't even sure he really knew what being in love was. "I have feelings for Donna. I'm not comfortable with those feelings."

Paula giggled. "Okay. It's pretty normal for human beings to have feelings, Harvey. Why aren't you comfortable with those feelings?"

"Caring only makes you weak," he said shaking his head. "Look, I… tried to show her I care and she walked all over me."

The therapist furrowed her eyebrows. "How does it make you feel?"

He threw his hands up in despair. "How do you think does that make me feel? I feel like every time I open up to someone, they use it against me!"

"Okay. I'm glad you are able to tell me how it makes you feel. Now, Harvey, tell me how did you open up to Donna and what did she do."

"We went out for a coffee. I kissed her." He paused, remembering how her lips tasted like whipped cream and how he wanted all of her. He struggled not quite sure how to tell the last part. But he wanted help, he couldn't deal with this alone.

"I didn't force her or anything. She was the one who pushed for…a more passionate kiss. But then, out of nowhere, when I stopped, she slapped me. I don't understand… I didn't tell her anything."

Paula shook her head, and leaned towards Harvey. "Harvey…when you say you didn't tell her ANYTHING… it means: you kissed her but didn't tell her A SINGLE THING, am I correct?"

He nodded. He still had his coat on. His hands were still balled into fists. He still looked like a man ready to run away at any second.

His therapist looked exasperated. "You seem like a very intelligent man. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from what happened today." She crossed her legs, observing the man sitting in front of her.

"You look like you are ready to run away, AGAIN." She said after a moment.

He resisted the urge to get up and go home, closing the door on his feelings one more. He chewed his lower lip and shove a hand in his hair. He removed his winter coat and put it on the head rest.

"Okay. You think by kissing her I was running away from my feelings, again?"

Paula smiled. "I'm not the one saying it, Harvey. You are. But emotional avoidance is harmful in the long term. It is great as a short term solution. But you are left with unresolved issues, and it gets worse and worse…"

"What do you mean?"

"When was the last time you touched Donna? I mean, beside the kiss this morning?"

He closes his eyes, trying to remember. "Hmmm… She helped me after I hit that guy, Stephen. Sometimes she would help me with my tie..."

She sighed. "That's not touching, Harvey."

He shrugged. "I don't remember then. We used to touch more when… I mean she would grab my arm or I would…" He swallowed, his throat tightening. Every time she would busy her hands around his necktie it would burn his skin. There was this image of her naked, that time when he was made partner, the ritual with the can opener. How much he wanted her then… "I wasn't comfortable anymore with…" he sighed.

Doctor Agard nodded. "You keep telling yourself you should avoid a particular emotion and you keep denying the truth. You saw what make some feelings arise in you so you avoid those situations. The problem is, the more you avoid feelings, the weaker you are. If you keep going that path Harvey, your anxiety is going to lead you to depression."

"Caring only makes you…" he began, his voice harsh.

"NO HARVEY! It isn't caring that makes you weak. It is avoidance that makes you weak."

"You are wrong!" He snapped.

"Am I? Look where you are right now!" She shouted.

He closed his mouth into a thin line. She was right. He remembered how this morning, for the first time in his life, he felt like he had no reasons to live.

"Okay let me explain this in terms you will understand. Today, it is windy. But imagine that I don't like wind. So I say 'No it can't be windy today', but clearly it is anyway. Denying it isn't going to make the wind disappear or solve the problems that it caused. It still there."

His fists were now firmly grabbing his coat.

"Stop avoiding it. Emotional acceptance, Harvey. Accept the truth, stop using your energy to push your feelings away. You are tired Harvey, it's time to accept them. Deal with them. What's the worst that could happen?"

He had his head in hands, eyes closed as she continued bombarding him with the truth: "It already happened, Harvey… She left."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry for the late update guys, I was sick. But just so you know the next chapter is ready and will be posted soon.**

 **BTW, if you are looking for a fic that deals with Mike's arrest, this is not the fic for you. This fic is just a silly thing I wrote to deal with my shipper's sadness.**

 **Thanks to everyone who will leave comments and reviews xoxo Fantomette**

* * *

It has been a week since he kissed Donna. He could still taste her on his lips, he could still feel how good it was to have her fingers threading his hair. But also, he remembers the burn of humiliation when she slapped him.

He spent many nights tossing and turning after having this talk with his therapist, wondering where he went wrong, what he could have done differently, when did he start loving her more than a friend… So many questions to which he struggled finding answers for. Now he knew Donna was as scared as he was.

And him being the same usual emotionally-handicapped idiot he always was, he went ahead and kissed her instead of giving her the reassurance she needed for them to go forward. He could have opened up, finally talked to her but no: he kissed her! He hated himself for it but also, he liked every second of it.

He couldn't call this progress, but at least now they weren't stuck in that same lie they had put themselves into for too many years. That kiss wasn't platonic and she sure seemed to enjoy it as much as he did. It was, maybe, the confirmation he needed in order to take the next step. That wasn't some dream he couldn't control. He kissed her and her tongue was soft and he wanted more, he wanted all of her and he couldn't live any longer without having Donna Paulsen occupying every little corner and crevice of his life.

He knew how to fix this, or at least, how to start fixing it. If only she would let him… He did call her. Twice.

Once, he left a message, the other time she picked up and sighed annoyingly, followed by a 'what Harvey?' and her voice was harsh even if his was soft and he told her they should talk to which she replied 'I don't see the point of talking with someone who will avoid talking what we should talk about' and just when he was about to deny, to say that this time he REALLY was ready to talk, she hung up.

It hit him. When she said she was leaving, just before she told him she was going to work for Louis, he begged her 'just give it time'.

But truth is, she had already given him twelve years.

Most people give a few months and move one. She gave him twelve fucking years where he did nothing. No wonder she was scared, he really always has been a mess.

He reluctantly accepted an invitation from Mike to go out for drinks to this little bar not far from where Mike lives

"This might be my last beer for a while…" said Mike taking a sip of the blonde ale.

"You know it isn't. Mike, I told you. Jessica is working on a deal, we'll find something," Harvey replied, his hands around a glass of Scotch. The two men stayed silent for a moment.

"Did you talk to Donna?" asked Mike.

Harvey took a big gulp of scotch ignoring Mike's question.

"You miss her." added Mike matter-of-factly.

The old Harvey would have just deny it. But he was tired. So he just nodded.

"You know we did the ritual with Donna?" continued Mike.

Harvey didn't answer.

"Harvey…Donna hit 18 thumbtacks."

Harvey pushed his empty glass towards the bartender, making him a sign to fill it up. He side eyed Mike and chuckled. "With how many thumbtacks you played? Fifty? Donna never hit that much in the last twelve years."

"Harvey, we played with only two dozen."

Harvey choked on his drink.

* * *

'

'

He texted her the minute he was out the bar:

 _'Donna. I'm coming over. We have to do the ritual. Good luck. For Mike. And US.'_

Before they got out of the bar he had told Mike he wanted to walk back to his condo. But he was heading to Donna's place. He had enough to drink to feel courageous, but not too much that he would be inappropriate. Nothing like the other night when he tried to pick up that pathetic girl.

He was lucid. Never been more certain of anything in his whole life. He didn't walk, he ran to her apartment.

He slowed down his pace only when he reached the sidewalk in front of her apartment. His phone buzzed in his pocket. He yanked it out and read the message:

 _'Now?-Donna'_

That was what he needed to attack the stairs leading to her apartment, two at a time. The next minute he was knocking firmly on her door.

"That was quick…" she said clearly in shock as he walked into her apartment. Her hair was undone. She was wearing black legging and a gray, loose sweater that was hanging off one of her shoulder. No heels. The mere sight of her took his breathe away.

He threw his coat on the couch. "Are we doing this?" he said out of breath, putting both hands on his tights as he was trying to regain composure.

"Harvey, why are you such in a hurry? What's…?" she was hesitant. Surprised. She walked slowly to grab the can opener on the counter. "Three dozen?"

He turned around. "I don't know, Donna. I heard you can hit eighteen on two dozen!"

She stopped dead in her track, can opener in her hand. Not moving an inch.

The redhead laughed nervously. "Harvey! Mike and Rachel didn't get naked."

He walked right up to her and stopped only when his chest almost touched hers. She raised her hands in front of her in a protective manner, her palms and the can opener almost touching his chest.

"So you are saying the idea of me getting naked is making you uncomfortable?" he asked in a low voice. He could feel the heat irradiating from her body without even touching her.

Her cheeks took a pinkish hue. "No. Don't flatter yourself, Harvey. It's just a game. It was pure luck…"

He leaned towards her, his breath warm against her skin. He wanted to push her to the limit. He wanted her to crack. "You are into me…" he whispered into her ear, mimicking what he had said to her when they were working at the D.A.'s office.

She huffed and he took another step. Her hands pressed against his chest, he just leaned into her touch, the can opener digging into his chest.

"Are you trying to stab me with the can opened," he asked teasingly, his eyes not leaving hers. She quickly removed her hand along with the can opener but left the other hand, her fingers slowly curling against his shirt. His gaze softened as his mouth crinkled into a smile.

She chuckled nervously and was the one who took a step back, taking her hands off him. She sat on the couch and he knew her well enough to see she was nervous. He wished he could kiss her, like he did the other day. Why things always had to be so complicated?

"Donna, truthfully, I'm here to talk," he started.

"Harvey, clearly you had a few drinks tonight and it is making you cockier that usual -if that is even possible! We are going to do the ritual, for good luck." She raised a finger looking at the man standing next to the coffee table. "That's it Harvey. I don't need another talk that will lead to nothing, with you leaving or deflecting!"

"Okay. Since this is the way you want to do it, we're going to change the rules tonight." He started unbuttoning his shirt, his gaze not leaving hers.

"What are you doing?" she mumbled. He could see she wanted to look away but couldn't, her eyes burning his skin.

"We aren't playing to remove clothes tonight," he said taking his shirt off. "We're playing for questions."

"Then why are you removing clothes?" she asked, biting her lips.

He chose to ignore her question. "Donna. I'm here because we need to talk. There are questions I'm sure you are dying to ask…and tonight, I'm willing to answer them." He removed his shoes and socks and kicked them off behind him. "Every time you hit five I will answer a question."

"You're kidding? Harvey…" She rolled her eyes. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

"I'm done avoiding…" he inhaled deeply. "I won't avoid any question and I am not running away from my feelings this time." He looked up at her and she was examining him with a quizzical expression.

He had realized she was as scared as he was, probably for different reasons, but he wanted to give her as much as she wanted. This idea of incorporating a much needed talk into their ritual had come to his mind after his last session with Agard. As both of them were scared and they feared not being in power in a situation, he thought that might be a good idea. Still, he was hesitant and he wanted to use this as last resort… When Mike told him Donna could hit like a pro he got tired, more tired than he's ever been of this dance. He needed to at least try.

She still hasn't said a thing, meaning she probably was considering it. His proposition had rendered her speechless, which was very unusual.

"Donna, I promise you I'm not leaving this time," he pleaded. "You can ask me whatever you want…Anything. You will see, I've changed."

Her cheeks were flushed and she pointed to him, now clad in only his pants and a white V-neck T-shirt. "Is this why you removed your clothes? To show me you aren't running away?"

He nodded and started to unbuckle his pants.

"Stop!" she said in a high-pitched tone. "Or…it won't…Harvey…" She sighed and gestured towards him. "If you remove everything I won't be able to hit anything. This game won't work, Harvey."

Harvey couldn't helped but smile cockily and she shook her head.

"Hooooo Specter, don't flatter yourself! I just do not want any distraction and yes, your white, naked, aging body could be a distraction, and not something I need to see!" She shrugged dismissively. "I just don't see the point of you removing more clothes. Keep your pants and t-shirt on, that's an order!"

He knew better than to argue with her, and he also knew she liked what she saw twelve years ago. He nodded obediently as she got up and gave him a little box that was on the coffee table.

"Three dozen thumbtacks. Brace yourself, I'm going to hit enough to finally get all the answers I deserve."


	6. Chapter 6

Hi dear readers! Thanks to those of you who waited for this last chapter, it got delayed as life and sickness got in the way.

I just want to add that it isn't because I write about what happened between or how/when they knew it was love, that I necessarily believe that's how things were/are. There are so many possibilities and they are complicated characters, that's what make Suits so great! So many options when it comes to Harvey/Donna story!

If you read this fic please take a few seconds and leave a review, it would make my day! (-:

* * *

He practically pitched to let her hit each and every thumbtacks. He wanted this. Still, he felt his nervousness increasing with every hit. She missed one. But she got the next one.

"Yes!" she screamed hitting the fifth thumbtack. "So, are you ready?"

He nodded despite feeling his throat closing up and his palms getting sweaty.

"Let's get this over with," he heard himself say. "Shoot your first question."

"You love me how?" she asked without blinking.

"Donna…" he mouthed. She was starting with a good one. He wasn't expecting any less but still, he would never get used to this: opening up and talking feelings.

"I love you like…you are the most important person in my life. I can't imagine my life without you. When you quit I…lost it." He closed his eyes remembering the pain he felt that night. "It was like someone ripped off a part of me."

"You aren't answering the question," she said flatly. "Harvey. HOW?"

He pushed his hand in his hair and swallowed the lump forming in his throat. "Donna, you were right. I am capable of looking at you that way. I know it now that this…," He steadied his breath. "I know it now that, this thing I feel for you, how with you it always was different, it's because I am in love with you."

She smiled. "Good," she said quietly.

"Good?" he asked confused. "Donna, are you in love with…"

She raised her hand. "You aren't the one asking the questions, Harvey! Throw those thumbtacks."

He let his arms fell to his sides and sighed heavily. He had spent endless nights pondering the question: was she in love with him? He didn't really believe her 'love you like a brother' bullshit. Was it possible that she intentionally chose NOT to love him, putting them on 'pause' while he matured emotionally?

He felt like he owed her all the answers to. He did bail out the minute she wanted more and he hated himself for it. He picked a few thumbtacks from the little box on the coffee table.

He threw the first one. That she missed. Then the second that she missed too.

He examined her. She was biting her lips and her hands were shaking. "Donna," he said in a low voice. "We can stop if you want."

"No!" she cried in a broken voice. "We need to do this. This can't go on forever. I'm sick of it, Harvey!" She was now yelling. He saw tears rolling down her cheeks and it broke his heart. He was the jerk causing this, again. How many tears she had cried for him in all these years?

Harvey took a deep breath. "I'm really sick of it too, Donna. Just ask. We don't need…"

She shook her head and laughed through gritted teeth, interrupting him. "You are taking that tone again."

"What tone?" he asked not quite understanding what she meant.

"The same tone you took when we fought in the bathroom and I destroyed the…"

"I'm not mad at you right now!" he opposed quickly.

"I remember that tone. You were mad and then you took that tone and said 'see that's a good thing'. That tone, you only take it with me! How many times I thought you were going to hug me or…"

"…and I didn't! So I can't see what the problem is here!" he snapped.

She just stood there, looking at him through her tears, a defeated look on her face.

"Harvey, just throw me the goddamn thumbtacks," she said after a moment with a dismissive shrug.

He felt a pang in his chest, regretting he snapped at her. He also regretted all the times he knew she needed comfort, specifically telling him or implying it, and that he refused by ignoring what was there, between them.

He threw the thumbtacks one by one, his heart missing a beat with each one she missed. He was nervous to know what her next question would be. When she hit her fifth, he genuinely wondered if he was going to have a panic attack, feeling his throat closing and hearing the loud thumping of his own heartbeat.

She looked thoughtful for a moment and finally spoke.

"About the other time, you knew I had that rule. So you knew by asking me to work for you I would have to…" She looked at him anxiously and he knew this was going to be a hard question. She sighed and continued. "Harvey, you knew I had this rule and you still asked me to work for you. You knew whatever was going on between us at the time would…stop. Why?"

For a few seconds he was confused and didn't know what to say. He took one step closer. Just one. She was still far enough and he had no intention of screwing all this by trying anything physical. She still needed reassurance, explanations.

"You had a rule, Donna. I've already told you that you are the most important person in my life so of course, I respected that damn rule of yours."

She unceremoniously whipped the tears falling off her nose with the back of her hand and snorted. "As I expected you didn't answer my question. Let me just say I think this rule was very convenient for you."

"It was. But I should have…" he countered

"But you know," she added, ignoring him, "in a way I needed it. Because I needed you to be strong. That's what I needed." She closed her eyes and exhaled. "After what happened with my family the thing I needed the most was security. And you gave it to me. It worked…" Her lips were quivering. "For a while…" she whispered.

He stayed silent. He always knew in the back of his mind that was one of the reasons why she stayed all these years. She needed security, and that's what he gave her. After all, he couldn't have done it, reach the top, without her. From the minute they met, they always needed each other, in some twisted way. Two insecure people, being each other's rock.

That's why he hired her, that's why he paid her salary and kept increasing it out of his own pockets. He was too much of a mess to give her both love AND security so he provided her with the second as much he could. Caring and opening up to Donna would have made him vulnerable and that wasn't what she needed at the time. They were always on the same page on this: they both needed to have someone by their side every step of the way.

That was until she needed more and he bailed out. He knew it was a mistake now, that they could have had everything.

"Donna," he started at last. "That time we slept together, I already knew you were different. Maybe I even knew it when we met in that bar. I couldn't quite figure out what it was but I knew I cared about you and that you were amazing so I begged Jessica for you to come to the firm with me. The scariest thing that could happen to me is not having you in my life. It was at the time, it still is. And clearly I was in no way ready for a relationship with someone like you. Trying would have meant I could have lost you and that was something I wasn't willing to risk. So yes. You're right: that rule was convenient for me. But I needed you. I still do."

"For someone who spent his whole life taking risks at work, you don't take many risks in your personal life," she retorted, giving him a long look.

"You can't blame me for not risking the single best thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life. But I know by not risking anything I missed…" He took a deep breath. "I missed out on…life."

"Well, I made that rule to protect myself from you," she said after a pause. "I think we both denied what was always there. It was there, we just chose not to act on it…"

"…but it didn't mean it wasn't there. And still is." He looked at her seriously. "Donna, I avoided or ignored what was there because I was scared it would make me weak and I wouldn't be able to protect you. Your family let you down. I didn't want to let you down."

Outwardly, he seemed quite calm, but inside his stomach was turning and his heart was beating hard. Their eyes met. She was still crying. "Donna," he muttered carefully, his heart pounding. "Am I too late?"

"Too late for what?" she retorted weakly.

He knew she asked only because she needed to hear it.

"Us." He said gesturing between them with his hand.

She didn't answer but shook her head after moment, looking at him expectantly, sighing.

That's when he realized she was waiting for him to take a risk.

He placed the little box of thumbtacks on the table. He then walked slowly towards her, his gaze not leaving her eyes in case she'd revoke her unspoken permission. Only one step away from her, nearly touching her, he saw her ribcage raising and falling from the deep breath she took, visibly nervous. Taking his last step to reach her, he stepped on a thumbtack on the floor and screamed right away. He jumped on one foot.

"Fuck!" he whined. "We really have to stop playing with thumbtacks!" He bent down to remove the offending little piece of sharp metal from under his foot. He set his foot back on the floor, staining the light colored carpet with his blood.

He raised his eyes and saw she had gotten closer to him, her hand was on his arm. "Someone owes me a new carpet," she grimaced in mocked disdain. He didn't move, scared she would retreat back making him miss his touch. Her hand slowly skimmed over his bicep, trailing to his neck and her eyes fixed his lips. She leaned forward and kissed him. He reached for her waist and pulled her body flushed against him. Her hands slowly traveled up his neck to the back of his head, as her mouth opened, silently begging for more. Kissing her breathless, making up for all those lost years, he slid his hands behind her neck pulling her even closer.

She brought her hands between them, underneath his t-shirt, running them on the muscles of torso. He responded by slipping his hands under the elastic of her black leggings, kneading the soft skin of her hips as she arched her body against him. She tried to tug his t-shirt up but couldn't, so he broke the kiss and detached himself from her for a few seconds, removing his t-shirt, panting. He stood there watching her as she hurriedly undressed, letting her clothes drop on the floor. She was wearing beautiful lingerie and she was just as perfect as he remembered, dusting of freckles on creamy and smooth skin. He swallowed and took in all her beauty. He internally gasped at the fact that this stupid blonde at the bar the other night couldn't even make him hard by grinding her naked body on him, while the woman standing in front of him wasn't completely naked yet but was making him feel like lava was running through his veins.

She was the one who reached first, her hands gripping at his shoulders as she pressed her lips on his and hummed in his mouth. He felt her body pressed firmly against him, only clad in lacy underwear, and the mere thought of what would come next was enough to make him moaned in her mouth. Their breaths quickened between kisses, hands caressing, pulling as they shuffled from the living room to the bedroom, where he pushed her against the wall, his hand cupping her breast across the fine lace, thumb brushing her nipple, making it harden.

He angled his head and deepened the kiss, his tongue craving her taste. She was exactly as he remembered, warm and comforting, like finding home in one person. She had pushed his pants down and he hadn't even notice, too busy imprinting this kiss in his mind. When he felt her hand closing tightly on his erection he dug his fingers in her waist, probably leaving moon-shaped marks on her delicate skin. He was losing control.

He needed air, his mouth left hers and he breathed hard, his forehead resting against hers as she stroked him up and down, finger caressing the tip. She pressed her mouth against his lips again and again, and again, making him dizzy. The combination of her tongue dancing around his and her hand moving on his erection made it impossible for him to wait any longer. He grabbed her wrist so she would stop her ministration and he gently directed her to the bed, both panting and trying to catch their breaths between kisses. He splayed his hands on the small of her back and set her down on the edge of her bed, standing between her legs. His fingers caught a strand of her hair that had fallen on her face and he gently pushed it behind her ear. She traced the hard outline of his jaw with her fingertips and gently caressed his cheekbones, his eyebrows, his moles, leaving a trail of comfort everywhere she touched him. It was like she was finally allowing herself to love him fully.

She was beautiful and perfect in every way. He was done not saying what was on his mind. "I love you," he admitted quietly. "Everything about you is amazing. Since the moment we've met, you never ceased to amaze me Donna."

"I love you too Harvey," she said very seriously. "But please we've waited long enough..."

He kissed her as she sank into the mattress. Lowering on top of her, he took both of her hands in his and he stretched them over her head, his eyes not leaving hers. She had a smile on her lips and he felt overwhelmed.

"Just so you know, this isn't a one-time thing," he whispered. "I intend to catch up on everything I've missed in the past twelve years…"

She looked at him with aroused eyes and firmed her hold on his hands against the pillow. "Better start now then," she urged him.

He settled between her tights and entered her in one deep thrust.

She captured his mouth with her own, hot and demanding, as she rocked her body in a slow rhythm, showing him that she needed him as much as he needed her. Her hands smoothed his back, sending shivers down his spine as he drowned in her warmth. He wished this moment could last forever, her meeting each and every thrust, her legs wrapped around his waist, clinging to him like she would never let go. But all those years of concealed feelings that had simmered between them were colliding into one moment.

He fisted her hair and tried to kiss her, but her mouth was opened, moaning with pleasure as he left wet kisses on the corner of her mouth and on her chin. His whole body was burning up with scorching need. He knew he could last a few minutes more if he'd slow his pace, if he'd shut his eyes so he wouldn't see her. But like in those vivid dreams he had more than once, he didn't want to miss a single thing: her sweetly parted lips, her flushed cheeks, and the way she looked at him. Everything about her took his breath away, but also made him want more and try to be even closer, making up for all these years of need and yearning. He held her closer to his chest just because he longed to feel her heart beating against him. He wrapped his arms around her, thrusting deeper, each moan coming out of her mouth encouraging him until spasms pulsed through his groin, stealing all the air from his lungs. His whole body tensed and contracted as he lost himself inside her, her walls clenching around his erection. He collapsed on her, breathing hard in her neck as she stroke his hair.

"Marry me," he said panting.

She chuckled under him. "You want unlimited access to my body for the rest of your life, don't you?" Her voice was shaking, out of breath.

He raised his face off her shoulder and looked at her. "No. I'm in love with you and I want unlimited access to all of you."

"You really have to stop proposing to me Harvey," she mocked him, rolling her eyes. "You've been doing it for the past twelve years, you know one day I might accept!"

"Good. That's what I'm aiming for." He left a kiss on her forehead and rolled on his back.

"And what if that's not what I'm looking for? What if I was only looking for sex?" she teased him, her thumb tracing small circles on his cheek.

He wanted to reply something witty but he got lost in the moment and closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of her fingers on his face. "I've waited too long," he admitted his voice barely above a whisper. "We could have had so many moments like 'now'. I'm sorry you had to quit for me to see it."

He turned on his side and wrapped his arm around her. Soon enough, her breathing grew even and shallow.

He recalled all these other nights with these other women, these women he tried filling the void in his heart with, these women who weren't her.

Usually, the moment a woman fell asleep was his cue to ease his arm from under her. It was the moment when he would roll over to his side of the bed, ignoring a sinking feeling inside him caused by a flash of red hair in his mind.

"Well, finally we have now," he murmured cuddling closer.


End file.
